apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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