Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
