Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
