He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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