I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
