Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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