everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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