Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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