So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
