This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
