i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
