dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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