pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
