I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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