and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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