I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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