People in love make me want to vomit
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
