Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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