Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this just has baby written all over it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
