I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
