if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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