If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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