well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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