just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
