I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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