I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
