I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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