I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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