Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
