Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
