If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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