who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
