I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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