I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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