Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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