90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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