I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This is my gift to your gina
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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