My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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