i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
