the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
