i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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