As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
