My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My bed smells like the plague
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
