maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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