I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
