im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
