Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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