Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
