You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
