I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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