8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
