you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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