I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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