Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
