I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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