I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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