We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
