did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pants are for mortals
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
